This Blog Won’t Help You Improve Your Fitness

This blog won’t help you improve your fitness, or your life for that matter.  Reading through all the posts I have written over the past 2 ½ years will probably just be a waste of your time.  Not because I haven’t made an attempt to simplify things.  Not because I haven’t provided helpful information.

No.

Because you want the complicated, fuck-you-sideways health advice that complicates the shit out of your life.

You want me to tell you that potatoes are killing you and you need super-shake A and pill-pack B to undo all the damage from those dirty spuds.  How did Matt Damon survive on the devil’s food in The Martian? You want me to tell you about the latest cleanse to make you lose 21 pounds in the next 6 days.  What you don’t want Susan, is for me to tell you that you will be fucking starving, feel like shit, literally shit non-stop and you’ll probably net about a 1 pound loss after you regain all your essential bodily fluids 2 days later.

Nope.

Using hand measurements is far too simple a system.  I’m supposed to tell you to measure out each food, every single meal.  Who takes their hands to a restaurant with them anyways?  Wait, actually being able to go to a restaurant with friends and still adhere to a healthy, simple way of eating would undermine your food transportation system.  A quick visual check of your plate using your hands would be far too convenient.  You’d rather stress over each bite while you miss your macro count and fall off the wagon.  Oh, the pain of simplicity.

Saving time with interval training is too good to be true.  Who cares that research has consistently shown that health markers can be improved in almost every single population by just minutes a day.  That’s not going to allow you to complain about how busy you are.  You are either a marathon runner or nothing.  There is no way to sell a convenient, albeit momentarily uncomfortable, way to improve aerobic fitness, blood glucose, lipid profiles, body fat percentage, muscle mass, cognitive function or libido.

Nada.

Writing about lunging, pushing, pulling, lifting and carrying is so last season.  It still works as it always has but you want to read about the 7-move booty-buster to do after your pec-pumper-pull-out poster.  Basic progressive overload, lifting more load as you become stronger, won’t perk your interest.  You want a 26-day challenge with 50 reps today, 60 tomorrow, 40 the next, 50 slightly different the following day and 100 the next.  Repeat with a 4.3% increase in left tibialis anterior contraction while you incorrectly perform the movement because there are too many god-damn moving parts and steps anyways.

I have trained and consulted with enough people to know that when I suggest eating to a point of satisfaction rather than stuffed or eating more produce throughout the day, I’m going to get a blank stare and asked about counting carbs.  I’m almost certainly going to be asked if this follows paleo, keto or whatever else is #trending at the time.  You want to know how to describe your complicated lifestyle choices on your social media so people can fill your heart with likes and you can get your willies by way of shares, retweets and motivational comments about how you’re so dedicated.

You don’t want 4 easy payments of the tiniest bit of work towards your health.  You want your life to be up-ended and steam-roll over everyone around you, making them cynical and unsupportive of your complex new way of life (for the next 3 months).

I would suggest that a healthy life-style could be achieved through very simple means of basically eating like an adult most of the time, moving around a bit more and patiently enjoying the process.  I would, but you’d rather skim over this advice and instead pick up the gossip magazine with the outlandish health claim on the cover.  You’ll never change a fucking thing and it will claim the spot as your new coffee table book for the foreseeable future.

 

 

For anyone that has actually read this far, change is hard.  It’s really fucking hard.  I find sometimes some sarcasm helps to highlight the ridiculousness we justify to ourselves every day.  For the record, I actually do believe this blog, and many like it, can help.  The most important step is admitting what you can change and finding small actionable steps towards an end point.  I hope you continue to read and every-so-often find the advice relatable and implement some of it.

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